been 4 long mths since i had last blogged and things well; its kinda complicated at the moment but at the same time, it seems to be alright. i just keep telling myself and also do what ever i can to be motivated and positive. working currently in a japanese restuaraunt as a waitress and the ppl i'm working with can be really fun. a lot of things happened at work and also back at the home i'm staying in. each day is filled with lessons, life lessons we would need to face, learn and remember....i reflected back on everything that had happened during the pass 4 mths...
i've realised a lot of things i never have before i moved into the home. but when i went in...everything materialised in front of me and i never thought that reality would really, i mean "really"; hit me hard in the face.....at first, i thought i lost everyone. i lost my family after something happened back at home, i lost my friends because we weren't together anymore, i lost the person i loved because i thought i was not meant to be with him. i was upset at first after my friends said that i was using them, after they said things which i believed were hurtful to me and i thought they turned against me and never want to have anything to do with me. i was angry that they think its not as bad as it seemed from what i told them while i was staying in a home filled with distrustful ppl who never treated your friendship sincerely and who's motive was to get you into trouble with the household head...the staff there also can't be trusted and they bring up the reasons, reasons which hurt you badly inside, of why you were brought to the home. i was angry also that they think its so easy to get over a traumatising experience which have happened to me for 2 yrs long and everytime i have to recount the incidents, i end up in tears.
i'm even having a difficult time trying to decide whether or not i want to testify against a person who took care of me from young until now because i'm grateful to that person and also love him very much. because i had to lauch a report, i lost my family and they don't want to have anything to do with me. i was so angry that they never understood how much i have to go through, the investigation, the checks, the trips to the doctor...it all terrifies me! things which ppl don't like about you are brought up and then they just start discriminating you completely without even wanting to get to know you first! its so hard to fit in there, the kind of environment i was living in, why didn't they think about my feelings?
i also thought negatively that instead of supporting me or giving me comfort, my friends just give up on me and leave me alone! i even let my negative emotions get in the way of my relationship with the person i love and i chased him away thinking that the way things were, the way i was now, would affect him negatively and i was afraid he could be hurt. i thought it be best to let go of him and protect him form all this....
really i thought i was all alone and had no one to turn to to vent out my feelings, my frustation, it all accummulate inside me that i thought i go crazy. luckily though, there was a person i met who was caring enough to listen to me. and also knock some sense into me saying that i was being stupid. a little voice in my mind told me to look back on everything and ask " do you think that everyone around you was right this whole time? why are you feeling sorry for yourself when you should know that there are others who had it worse than you? Did you even consider the feelings of the ppl you had around you before?" i thought.."wow...i really never listened to anybody and now look what's happened....i was so stupid not to really open up my eyes"
i find this really insane and i find it hard to believe that i'm saying this but i guess there's no denying that being put in a home, is what i really needed....i now realise how selfish i was before as i reflect back and i took everyone for granted. especially my friends and the person i loved, i asked how often do i say thank you to them for everything they've done, and i know i done little for them in return. they were right about me using them because i only went back to them when i needed something. it was my fault too for failing to keep in mind and also understand that they are not really able to understand what i feel because they never gone through what i have. i also treated the person i loved the same way. i took him for granted and never really appreciated him and the love he had given to me. i treated him like he was a "thing" and not a human being with feelings, a human who has a heart capable of feeling love and a heart that is capable of feeling saddness...i really am ashamed of having treated him that way and for having toyed with his heart.
only when i'm really alone, then do i realise how much i really cherish the ppl who are important to me. i always thought that the person who created me was being unfair and that he was taking away everything that i ever wanted. i thought that he was being unfair taking away the ppl i held dearly to me. but then i realise i have no one to blame but myself. i was the one who hurt them, i was the one who did this to myself. i also should be looking forward and not looking back because the past is the past. by having many losses, i know what to do from now on and i would also vow not to make the same mistake. bad things happen for a reason and sometimes its beyond my control. things like this can make me a stronger person. i need to continue looking on the bright side of things. i'll just keep hoping and praying that things will be ok. i really learned greatly from this life lesson and now i'm trying to find a way to heal the hurts i have caused on the ppl i loved.
For the ppl i once never gave a chance to have my friendship, i want to apologise for having been mean to them and never giving them a chance to get to really know them. i want to turn over a new leaf with everyone. it will be a long road to recovery with my family, it will take some time to reconnect with the friends i lost touch with and restore the friendship i have lost. however; maybe for the person i love, i'm not sure how long it will take because it will depend on him whether he wants to get back together or not. but i think i may have lost him forever...i don't blame you if you ask yourself whether you want to take the risk again because i was the one who hurt you. i always hope that maybe after realising so much, i could turn things around and make it up to you but after what i said before...i feel like its too late. The letter i wrote, i sometimes feel as though that it was not the answer i wanted to give you and i ask myself the question you have asked over and over again. i know the answer won't appear out of the blue or before my very eyes.
but i know for one, that i still hold you dearly and i even find it hard to let go of you because i still love you very much and you mean the world to me...what you said, you were right. even if you choose to let me go, don't give up on yourself. Don't think that you will never find love. You often tell me others have been chasing for you, so why not give them the chance? i know you can find the right person for you...But maybe after you have completed studying yeah? i will still wait for your answer. if its decided that you will let go, then can i ask that the friend i met 2 yrs ago, come back? i really miss that person who always loved to share about anything with me and also joke to make me smile. i want that old you to come back....
Maybe after all this i deserve to be alone, but i thank my dear girls who have choosen to still keep in touch with me and for still having concern even after what i did to them, to the ppl i have discriminated in secondary school, i thank you for giving me a second chance to turn over a new leaf and offer me your friendship. to my "brother" and work friends, thank you for lending me your ears and for giving me the motivation to be positive and look on the bright side of things:) really love you all!
A new change and it all starts here....
Serenity
i've realised a lot of things i never have before i moved into the home. but when i went in...everything materialised in front of me and i never thought that reality would really, i mean "really"; hit me hard in the face.....at first, i thought i lost everyone. i lost my family after something happened back at home, i lost my friends because we weren't together anymore, i lost the person i loved because i thought i was not meant to be with him. i was upset at first after my friends said that i was using them, after they said things which i believed were hurtful to me and i thought they turned against me and never want to have anything to do with me. i was angry that they think its not as bad as it seemed from what i told them while i was staying in a home filled with distrustful ppl who never treated your friendship sincerely and who's motive was to get you into trouble with the household head...the staff there also can't be trusted and they bring up the reasons, reasons which hurt you badly inside, of why you were brought to the home. i was angry also that they think its so easy to get over a traumatising experience which have happened to me for 2 yrs long and everytime i have to recount the incidents, i end up in tears.
i'm even having a difficult time trying to decide whether or not i want to testify against a person who took care of me from young until now because i'm grateful to that person and also love him very much. because i had to lauch a report, i lost my family and they don't want to have anything to do with me. i was so angry that they never understood how much i have to go through, the investigation, the checks, the trips to the doctor...it all terrifies me! things which ppl don't like about you are brought up and then they just start discriminating you completely without even wanting to get to know you first! its so hard to fit in there, the kind of environment i was living in, why didn't they think about my feelings?
i also thought negatively that instead of supporting me or giving me comfort, my friends just give up on me and leave me alone! i even let my negative emotions get in the way of my relationship with the person i love and i chased him away thinking that the way things were, the way i was now, would affect him negatively and i was afraid he could be hurt. i thought it be best to let go of him and protect him form all this....
really i thought i was all alone and had no one to turn to to vent out my feelings, my frustation, it all accummulate inside me that i thought i go crazy. luckily though, there was a person i met who was caring enough to listen to me. and also knock some sense into me saying that i was being stupid. a little voice in my mind told me to look back on everything and ask " do you think that everyone around you was right this whole time? why are you feeling sorry for yourself when you should know that there are others who had it worse than you? Did you even consider the feelings of the ppl you had around you before?" i thought.."wow...i really never listened to anybody and now look what's happened....i was so stupid not to really open up my eyes"
i find this really insane and i find it hard to believe that i'm saying this but i guess there's no denying that being put in a home, is what i really needed....i now realise how selfish i was before as i reflect back and i took everyone for granted. especially my friends and the person i loved, i asked how often do i say thank you to them for everything they've done, and i know i done little for them in return. they were right about me using them because i only went back to them when i needed something. it was my fault too for failing to keep in mind and also understand that they are not really able to understand what i feel because they never gone through what i have. i also treated the person i loved the same way. i took him for granted and never really appreciated him and the love he had given to me. i treated him like he was a "thing" and not a human being with feelings, a human who has a heart capable of feeling love and a heart that is capable of feeling saddness...i really am ashamed of having treated him that way and for having toyed with his heart.
only when i'm really alone, then do i realise how much i really cherish the ppl who are important to me. i always thought that the person who created me was being unfair and that he was taking away everything that i ever wanted. i thought that he was being unfair taking away the ppl i held dearly to me. but then i realise i have no one to blame but myself. i was the one who hurt them, i was the one who did this to myself. i also should be looking forward and not looking back because the past is the past. by having many losses, i know what to do from now on and i would also vow not to make the same mistake. bad things happen for a reason and sometimes its beyond my control. things like this can make me a stronger person. i need to continue looking on the bright side of things. i'll just keep hoping and praying that things will be ok. i really learned greatly from this life lesson and now i'm trying to find a way to heal the hurts i have caused on the ppl i loved.
For the ppl i once never gave a chance to have my friendship, i want to apologise for having been mean to them and never giving them a chance to get to really know them. i want to turn over a new leaf with everyone. it will be a long road to recovery with my family, it will take some time to reconnect with the friends i lost touch with and restore the friendship i have lost. however; maybe for the person i love, i'm not sure how long it will take because it will depend on him whether he wants to get back together or not. but i think i may have lost him forever...i don't blame you if you ask yourself whether you want to take the risk again because i was the one who hurt you. i always hope that maybe after realising so much, i could turn things around and make it up to you but after what i said before...i feel like its too late. The letter i wrote, i sometimes feel as though that it was not the answer i wanted to give you and i ask myself the question you have asked over and over again. i know the answer won't appear out of the blue or before my very eyes.
but i know for one, that i still hold you dearly and i even find it hard to let go of you because i still love you very much and you mean the world to me...what you said, you were right. even if you choose to let me go, don't give up on yourself. Don't think that you will never find love. You often tell me others have been chasing for you, so why not give them the chance? i know you can find the right person for you...But maybe after you have completed studying yeah? i will still wait for your answer. if its decided that you will let go, then can i ask that the friend i met 2 yrs ago, come back? i really miss that person who always loved to share about anything with me and also joke to make me smile. i want that old you to come back....
Maybe after all this i deserve to be alone, but i thank my dear girls who have choosen to still keep in touch with me and for still having concern even after what i did to them, to the ppl i have discriminated in secondary school, i thank you for giving me a second chance to turn over a new leaf and offer me your friendship. to my "brother" and work friends, thank you for lending me your ears and for giving me the motivation to be positive and look on the bright side of things:) really love you all!
A new change and it all starts here....
Serenity
